One of the most important skills you need learn to keep your marriage healthy and strong is fighting fairly. Fighting can happen in all marriages, not only in bad marriages. Researchers estimate that 25% are happy, 50% will never be happy without therapy. 30% of marriages are considered to be empty and having only a little love or joy. 25% of marriages could really be happy if they would communicate better and if they learned how to resolve conflict.

This latter of 25% is the one that should be focused on. The difference between a bad fight or a bad marriage and a bad fight or a good marriage is learning to fight fair. You can have an overall good marriage even you have a bad fight. Actually, couples who fight in a productive way and end the fight right, report more marital satisfaction. In two words, fight fairly is what separates the couples who fight and make up from the ones who fight and do not.

As it follows, seven tips for fighting fairly in a marriage are presented:

1. Fair fighting involves focusing on the behavior not the person.

2. Direct requests are also used in a fair fighting couple. They ask if they want their partner to behave differently. This way the whole idea would be exposed clearly. For example, instead of saying I need you to change you can say Please place your dishes in the sink from now on.

3. If you want a fair fight, limit your focus in arguments. Instead of kitchen sinking an argument (meaning when a person is complaining about everything at the same time, and throw in the kitchen sink for good measure) you can focus on one issue at a time.

4. Healthy respect and good nonverbal communication are maintained by fair fighting couples. A well known marital researcher at the University of Washington, John Gottman, has highlighted the importance of good nonverbal marital communication, and has identified four behaviors leading to relationship distress. Contempt is one of these behaviors. Non-verbal contempt (eye-rolling, avoiding eye-contact, shaking their heads) can be a cause for relationship distress if this shows up in a couple.

5. The end of a fight is allowed by fair fighting couples. Letting the fight be over when it is done with it, is one important element of fighting fairly. This way is easier to forgive if not to forget. Just to prove a point, they do not bring up old issues again and again. This way the couples take the chance to make up and reconnect at the first opportunity.

6. It is recommended that in a fair fight, couples discuss issues sooner rather than later, because it is easier to talk about a small issue, before it becomes too big and overwhelming or leads to extreme resentment.

7. The couples, in a fair fight should focus on winning in the relationship not on winning the fight for them just to prove they are right. They must remember that they are allies rather than enemies, and they must remember that they are on the same team and working on the same goals. Instead of focusing on their personal ego, they should rather focus on keeping the relationship as their main focus.

The skill of fair fighting can be learned. It is likely that fewer marriages would end in divorce if more people learned to do it. It is a true fact that all marriages will have fights, but it matters how you handle each fight, and this will determine whether your marriage is a happy or unhappy one.

Always remember this: Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the
right mate, but through being the right mate. – Barnett R. Brickner

George Wood
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/how-to-fighting-fairly-in-marriage-72125.html

Christianity – General Religion – In the Image and Likeness of God\’s Kingdom is how your marriage should look. Under the Power of Holy Communication is how the man and woman communicate. Purity In the Home … – Truth About Marriage (Books)

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Do you believe in falling in love? In finding that “special someone” who is your other half, your soulmate? Do you dream of finding the one person in all the world who will understand you, love you and be there for you, no matter what? If so, you’re not alone. In fact, statistics show that about 90% of adults will get married at least once in their lives.

As a society, we’ve become so conditioned to the fairy tale of “Happily Ever After” that many people actually feel as if their life is lacking something if they’re not a part of a couple.

But sadly, just like in the movies, most peoples’ thoughts seem to stop at the part when the music swells and the happy couple says “I do” and loses themselves in that first magic kiss as husband and wife. They don’t think about what happens after the honeymoon.

Considering that about 43% of all marriages in the U.S. ends in divorce, perhaps a class on the realities of building and maintaining a strong healthy marriage should become required before signing on the dotted line of a marriage license.

Having a happy marriage doesn’t just happen by accident. It doesn’t happen because you’re “in love” or “perfect” for each other. Marriage is a partnership, and like any partnership, it takes commitment, dedication and hard work to help it to grow strong.

Here are some tips given by couples whose marriages are strong and healthy. Follow them, adapt them to work in your own marriage, and you’ll be on your way to having what we all want — a happy marriage!

1. Communicate. It’s important that you keep the lines of communication open. Especially when things go wrong. There are so many outside influences that can affect a marriage — jobs, family, friends, hobbies, education, church. If you’re suddenly not being able to spend time together, or you’re fighting about money, it’s especially important to talk about what’s going on.

2. Listen. It’s a sad fact that we are often more polite to strangers than we are to the people we love the most. If your spouse is trying to talk to you, whether it’s to find out what you want for dinner, to tell you about their day, or to discuss a problem in your marriage, give them the same courtesy you’d give a complete stranger, and LISTEN! Don’t try to finish their sentences, don’t try to solve their problems, and don’t ever say, “I told you so!” Here’s an especially apt poem, written by Ogden Nash:

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the wedding cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.

3. Create rituals and family traditions. Every successful couple has their own private rituals – things they do that has a special meaning just to them. So whether it’s getting your spouse coffee every morning, a special touch that means “I love you”, or creating couple signals for “Let’s get out of here, or “No, I don’t want to buy a timeshare for $95,000!” find your own. Remember some of your favorite childhood family traditions, and incorporate them or start new ones in your own couple. Someday, you’ll look back on each time as a treasured memory.

4. Go on a date. Couples who have been together for thirty, forty and even fifty years or more say that one of the things that has kept their marriage strong is going out on a “date” with their spouse on a regular basis. If money is tight, try taking a walk together, going to a dollar movie, or even to a drive-in. Spending quality “couple-time” helps to reinforce the special feelings that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.

5. Agree on money matters early. Amazingly, many couples never discuss money except in the most superficial ways until after they’re married. One of the leading causes of arguments in marriages is because of a difference in how money is handled in the couple. Before you walk down the isle, discuss your feelings about things like credit, paying bills and saving money. Talk about how you will pay expenses, and who will handle the money. Finding out after the fact that you have major differences is only going to lead to long term problems.

6. Love and Respect. No matter what happens outside of your marriage, it’s vital that you and your spouse always treat each other with love and respect. There are some simple rules that have worked for couples for the last 80 years that still apply today. They include: Never go to bed angry. Kiss each other every time you come home, or before going out. Say “I love you” every single day. Mind your manners, and say “Please” and “Thank-you”. Do something for the one you love every day. Just because. Occasionally write love letters to each other. Laugh at his/her jokes, no matter how bad they are, or how often you’ve heard them. Don’t sweat the little things. Try something new once in a while.

7. Maintain a commitment to your marriage. This can be especially difficult today, but it’s important that you put your marriage first. If you’re committed to making your marriage a success, and you know that your partner shares your commitment, there’s nothing that the two of you can’t accomplish.

And you’ll be one of the lucky few that have a truly happy marriage.

Mickael Kerenterff
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/7-secrets-of-a-happy-marriage-3818.html