The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it’s taking ownership.

Successful relationships require taking ownership of your “experience.”

What is Your “Experience?”

Your “experience” is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

Your experience is involuntary, it just “happens.” It’s neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.

Your Thoughts

We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.

And some of our thoughts are judgments. A “judgment” is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).

Facts vs. Judgments

You and a friend go for a walk. You say “It’s a beautiful day.”

Your friend responds “No, it sucks.”

Your reaction is to be surprised. You can’t imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to “suck.” Your impulse might be to argue with them- “Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day!”

This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.

So let’s take a look at this. You observe the following facts:

The sky is blue

The temperature is 76 degrees

You are walking in a park

Facts are typically measureable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as “Is the sky blue?” you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the color blind!).If you poll 100 people and ask “Is the sky pretty?”, you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.

Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as “beautiful,” the temperature as “perfect” and “comfortable,” and your body “feels good” to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you’ve created from your experience of the facts or events.

Your friend’s experience is negative. We don’t know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to “suck.”

You Have a Choice

In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-

Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. “Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it’s not a beautiful day!”

Option 2: Focus on curiousity, compassion (e.g. “What’s going on for you?”

The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgments. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn’t mirror ours and leads to conflict.

It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgments on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.

The Importance of Ownership

It is not someone else’s fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.

The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.

Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don’t strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.

How to Take Ownership- A Four Step Paradigm

I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and Feelings-

Facts- usually a measureable event (”the sky is blue”)

Judgments- the meaning we make of the event (”the blue sky is pretty”)

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Oftentimes, what we human beings do, especially when we’re upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact.

“You make me so angry.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“I love you.”

“War is hell.”

“Ice cream is good.”

These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.

Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take.

This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you’re not mixing in judgments.

Step One: Review the facts

“OK, the sky is blue, we’re walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said “It’s a beautiful day” and my friend said “No, it sucks.”

Step Two: Review your judgments

“Hmm, I believe it’s a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn’t getting it at all.”

Step Three: Identify your feelings

“I’m glad it’s such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity.”

Step Four: Make a conscious choice

Once you’ve separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren’t “getting it.”

The Power of Taking Ownership

It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don’t. It is common to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. “I feel like you’re so wrong about that!”). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as “You’re a jerk” and “I love you” at the same time.

While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.

Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.

David Steele
http://www.articlesbase.com/advice-articles/communication-is-not-the-most-important-relationship-skill-128880.html

There probably is not a relationship between man and woman that at one time or another does not fun into trouble. This trouble could start over something as small as the color shirt the guy wears on a date, or as large as a cheating episode involving either party. What happens next probably determines where the relationship will end up. Of course many of them end up in a “break-up”, a wonderful term signifying that girls and boys can no longer play well together and need an emotional “time-out”. This opens up the era (hopefully a short one!) when friends and families assist the wounded parties with all the advice, innuendos and insults that could possibly be dragged from the pits of previous arguments.

Conversations occur wanting to know why the shirt had to be red instead of the green one the boyfriend wore. People will talk about how the ladies actions caused her “fella” to resort to chasing those bikini clad women at the beach instead of helping her pick out a wedding dress (really dumb conversation; don’t you agree?) And of course we can’t leave out the mothers and fathers taking their own child’s side; declaring that “Henry” or “Mabel” (actual identities withheld to protect the real combatants) never was good enough for their little darlings. Needless to say those with the most advice have always had perfect love relationships and know exactly what they are talking about, right?

Of course the nasty enemy BLAME must be placed in someone’s lap during this time. Conversations abound over coffee, lunches or beers after work which direct BLAME to the “other” party in the love life. This is when the maturity of the loving couple will rise to the occasion and place blame (small letters to indicate blame is such a small word!) on themselves. That is right…if you and your lover have just placed your relationship into the “break-up” mode there is nobody to blame but YOURSELF! That’s right. Boyfriend you are to blame for your actions and, girlfriend you are to blame for yours. Once you understand that there will be no more crying over spilled milk and you can get on about repairing the little love fest that originally brought you together.

Well now that we have that little tirade out of the way it’s time for a decision. When the two love-birds met they absolutely adored each other. Problems became apparent when the lovers learned to relax a bit around each other and the dating “veneer” wore a bit thin. With this new transparency many things that were previously accepted now rub the wrong way and tempers flare. That must be over…the decision must be whether you still have love for your sweetheart and want to get back together. Accept the answer and you may find that making up from that terrible old break-up is not as hard as people want to portray it.

The very first thing that must be done after making this decision is….Stop The Fighting! Many people tell you that making up is impossible without communication. However there is absolutely no room for communication if fighting of any sort still occurs. Yelling, screaming or negative talk will not possibly yield any positive results. If you are able to establish a foundation with civility and respect then you are on your way to being able to communicate. Properly laid, this foundation will help cease the battles and open this loving couple up to positive communication that is their next step in reclaiming that lost love. Now we go looking for ideas about rehabilitating love through communication.

Gordon Chandler
http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/stop-blaming-each-otherlay-the-foundation-to-reclaim-your-loving-relationship-with-communication-720346.html

Brooke said to Gary, “In our entire relationship, I’ve gone above and beyond for you … for us. I cook. I take up your shit off the floor. I’ve laid your clothes for you like you were a four-year old. I’ve supported you, your work or anything. I make the plans. I take care of everything. But I don’t feel you appreciate any of it. I don’t feel that you appreciate me. All I want from you is to show me that you care.” Gary retorted, “Why didn’t you just say that to me?” In tears, Brooke said, “Gary, I’ve tried.” Gary answered, “But never like that. You might have said things that may mean like that but I am not a mind reader.”

Above is a conversation of Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) and Gary (Vince Vaughn) in the movie “The Break-up.” This is a classic example of a poor communication or miscommunication which led to rejection, hurt, misunderstanding that eventually resulted in the falling-out between partners Brooke and Gary. This is a movie that solidly mirrors reality. Partners may have difficulty putting their feelings into words or the wife speaks but the husband avoids or does not listen. Communication is the essence of any relationship. However, communication is also a two-way process. You may talk as much as you want but you also need to listen well as much. “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak,” as Greek philosopher Epictetus perfectly puts it.

Human relationship is basically a balance of communication and compromise. And just like communication and compromise, relationship is all about giving and taking, loving and being loved in return.

But how do we make communication work in a relationship? The key here is to talk freely and listen excellently. Open up your feelings, thoughts, aspirations, hurts and complaints to your partner. And when your partner does the talking, you need to be the excellent listener by not condemning, attacking or lecturing the other. When it is your time to talk, your partner will likewise do the same thing for you. And after each one has heard all that has to be said, work out for a compromise.

Partners should likewise bear in mind that each one is entitled to his/her own feelings and opinions, that no two people are exactly the same, that each one is totally unique emotionally, physically and mentally. Respect for one another should guide the relationship. Once both partners accepted the individuality and uniqueness of one another will fear to communicate be eliminated; and only then will open communication ensue.

Also, take note that words can make or break your partner or any person. Would you rather discourage than uplift your better half? It is quite essential to think first before you speak. Take control of your anger and temper. Always bear in mind that words are gifts and should be used to inspire, encourage and motivate others. So to avoid having the same story as Brooke and Gary, as Dr. Laurence Peter suggests, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

Ron Zvagelsky
http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/making-communication-work-for-your-relationship-83621.html

There are 12 barriers to effective communication that destroys any type of relationship. Be sure to overcome these roadblocks if you want happy relationships.

1. Criticizing. Criticism involves judgmental states that usually put down a person. “Don’t do it that way”, “You’re wrong”, “You’re not very good at…”, and “You need to lose weight” are a few simple criticisms. We think criticism changes people, though it only reveals our own problems. Kill this barrier before it kills your relationships.

2. Labeling. Labels are names. An extreme form of labels is name-calling. “You’re a jerk”, “You are silly”, and “I think you’re mean” are some examples of labeling. Labeling is a barrier to communication because it categorizes people. It assumes people to have characteristics and destroys uniqueness that makes an enjoyable relationship.

3. Diagnosing. A diagnosis is one of the more complex barriers to effective communication. It involves reading into a person’s behavior. I call it “playing the amateur psychologist”. Some examples of the diagnosing barrier are: “You’re just jealous about…”, “You need to be happier”, and “Stop trying to antagonize me.”

4. Praising. People are always surprised when they hear praise is a communication barrier. Praise is not always a barrier because it depends on how it is given. Praise is so often poorly given as it makes people – especially children – dependent on receiving verbal rewards. “You’re a good boy”, “I love you for doing what you did”, and “You’re a lovely person because you think about me”. Learn to praise a person’s behavior, and be specific, to avoid evaluative praise and making people dependent on your praise.

5. Ordering. Orders are controlling statements to get people doing something. They are akin to dictatorship. “Go wash the dishes”, “Stop complaining”, and “Stop fighting with…” Orders force people to comply based on authoritative power. The result is resistant change and resentment. It is very common for people to rebel against orders so they regain their freedom. Psychologists call this “psychological reactance”.

6. Threatening. A threat is similar to an order, except it has emphasis on punishment. “Go wash the dishes or I won’t cook for you tomorrow night”, “Stop complaining or you’ll be sent to your room”, “Stop fighting with… or you’ll be grounded”. Just like orders, threats create fear, temporary results, and resentment – while killing a relationship.

7. Questioning. How could questioning be a barrier to effective communication? Like praise, there are types of questioning that make it a roadblock to good relationship communication. Rhetorical questions is one common form of poor questioning. Examples include, “Why do you disobey me?” “Why do you always do wrong?” and “What about my needs? You constantly ignore them.”

These are 7 of 12 barriers to effective communication. When you overcome all 12 barriers to effective communication, you communicate openly, intimately, understand you’re partner – all the while creating change in your relationships.

Joshua Uebergang
http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/12-barriers-to-effective-communication-beware-of-these-relationship-killers-752778.html

The three corners of a long distance relationship.

Which one of the three corners of a triangle is the most important?

Or to put it another way, which one of the three can you take away in order to leave a triangle? Obviously, if you take out any one of them, your triangle will collapse. The same goes for a long distance relationship. It actually applies to any relationship, but I’ll show you why it’s so crucially important in a long distance relationship.

Communication

There is no such thing as a relationship without communication. If you want one-way communication, get yourself a potted plant. They’re also very good at one way communication. Some people even say their potted plants thrive when they talk to them. But there’s very few people that would admit their plants actually talk back to them.

Communication is such a basic part of every day life, that you’d think most people would be quite proficient at it. Breathing is an important part of everyday life, and most people seem to manage it quite fine, so communication should be a breeze shouldn’t it? (pun not intended) Guess again! Most people don’t know the first thing about communication.

What do you think is the single most common reason for marriages ending in divorce? Make your pick from the following: Infidelity (unfaithfulness), communication, violence, sexual problems, money problems, too busy lifestyle, or self-centeredness.

Apparently (I didn’t verify this statistic) fully 85% of marriages that end up in the divorce court, end because of a lack of communication. Looking at the list above, you will see that communication actually plays a part in most, if not all of the other factors. Whether or not you are married or just in a serious relationship doesn’t make the slightest difference here. Your relationship may not end up in a divorce court, but the reason for it breaking could be exactly the same.

Becoming a good communicator

It’s all fine and well that you now know communication is so very important, but what good does it do you if I don’t help you to communicate better? In order to help you, I’m going to show you a few basics of communication. People communicate differently due to various reasons, including, but not limited to:

- maturity

- sex

- culture

- temperament

Maturity

Your level of maturity is mirrored by your communication. I don’t mean you should sit around and complain about the good old days like old people, I just mean that you need to (at least some times) be able to have a good heart-to-heart discussion about important issues.

I can’t think how an immature person would handle a long distance relationship. If you are in a long distance relationship and you want it to work, you will have to handle it in a very mature way. This is especially important due to the fact that you are not together all the time. Your communication time is limited, so when you need to discuss serious matters, you can’t just shy away from it.

So what do you do if your partner isn’t mature? Well, luckily, maturity is something you can learn. People are born with a certain tendency towards maturity, but the more mature you act the more mature you will become. If your partner is serious about your relationship he will make it work. Sit down and have a mature discussion about it. This is sometimes one of those things that you just need to point out for the change to occur.

Sex

We all know men and women communicate differently, and I’m not just referring to the actual topics of the conversation. Men focus more on words and technicalities, whereas women focus more on tone of voice and body language. And that’s a pretty big generalization. Just remember, when you’re talking to somebody of the opposite sex that that person may interpret your meaning in a completely different way than what you initially intended. Be aware of that fact, and you can save yourself a world of trouble.

Culture

This is especially important for couples that are of different backgrounds. And I’m not just referring to different ethnic backgrounds. Even people from the same ethnic background, but different parts of the same country can have very different ways of communication.

You should never hide behind the fact that you’re from a different culture. What I mean is: If you know certain people find certain words offensive, even though where you come from they have different meanings, it doesn’t give you the right to abuse that fact. When communicating with your partner, always keep your backgrounds in consideration.

Temperament

You all know those people that seemingly get offended at everything? Or what about those people who seem to offend everybody with their style? Even though it’s also not something to hide behind, it’s probably a factor of their different personalities (temperaments). It’s a good idea, if you’re in a serious relationship, to find out exactly what personality type both you and your partner are. It will make communication so much easier. You will suddenly understand why, for example your partner misinterprets certain things you say, or why she sometimes seems so harsh on you.

Commitment

There really isn’t much to say about this. When you find somebody you really love, you WILL commit to that person. If you don’t, then your relationship is doomed from the start. There can be no relationship when there is no commitment. The moment an even remotely interesting third party shows up, your relationship will be down the drain if you haven’t committed to each other.

Commitment is something that you will have to work on. It builds heavily on the communication you have in your relationship, but also on trust. See why I say none of the three corners can be removed?

Trust

Let me just start of by saying this: Distrust is normal. Don’t feel like a terrible person just because you don’t always trust your partner. By the way; you thought your partner was great, so somebody else may just think the same way. But before you let trust – or the lack thereof – ruin your relationship, just ask yourself the following question: Why am I distrustful?

Do you have a valid reason for distrusting your partner? Really think about it for a while. If you both really love each other and are truly committed, why are you worrying? One of the main reasons to be distrustful is probably because of mass media. We’ve all seen movies, TV shows or have read books where the husband/wife comes home early only to find an untrustworthy partner in bed with someone else.

Does this really happen? Unfortunately it does. Does it happen nearly as often as we are made to believe? I’ve seen the Golden Gate Bridge being destroyed at least 5 times during the last 10 years. Funnily enough, it’s still standing; despite what Hollywood thinks should be happening. I’ve also seen at least 6 different attempts by aliens to take over or destroy the planet (some more humorous than others). I’ve still to see my first real alien – the green tentacled type, not the illegal immigrant type.

Suffice it to say this: Trust is like respect. The more you give, the more you will get. If you really trust your partner, it will show, and you will receive the trust back. You weren’t planning on cheating were you? Of course not, so trust you partner to do the same.

But here, once again, the three corners of the triangle will have to work together. I firmly believe that the more you communicate, and the more openly you communicate, the more you will learn to trust each other. And the more you trust each other the more committed you will be to each other. And the more committed you are, the more you will trust each other and communicate with each other.

I can carry on like this for a few more paragraphs until you are completely dizzy, but I’m certain you understand by now. If you feel you need to work on one of these points, you will have to work on all three of them.

Leon Louw
http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/communication-commitment-and-trust-the-three-corners-of-a-long-distance-relationship-698961.html

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